BEING PROACTIVE

Session 7.1

What are values and
how are they different than motivations?

The things that matter most are our values. Values are different than motivations. Motivations are more automatic and closely linked to our emotional reactions. In contrast, values represent how we choose to be in our lives—what matters to us in different domains of our experience. These influences come from many different places such as family, friends, relationships, work, education, and aspects of ourselves. Like motivations, our values resonate with our emotional reactions and thought processes but they represent a more careful, reflective process. For instance, we may value staying in shape. When we see a chocolate chip cookie, we may have a pull of reward to eat it because it could make us feel good. But our value of eating well can override this need and stop us from engaging this behavior. The same is true for anxiety. We may have strong pull of security to avoid speaking to a partner about a concern we have in a relationship for fear that the partner may become angry at us or pull away from us emotionally. However, a value of an open and communicative relationship can override these security needs and help us embrace reward needs to improve the relationship. Through a negotiation between our value and how we choose to reorient towards our needs, we can make changes in what matters most to us.

Committing to Being Proactive

Our values let us know what we care about most deeply and therefore help us to identify the goals we want to pursue. It’s important to remember that values are directions that we want to be moving in rather than outcomes to be achieved. Thus, even when discrepancies feel large and the value has many obstacles associated with it, you can still take steps, even small ones, in service of this value. When imaging taking these steps, ask yourself, “What can I do in service of this value today?” This is called a being pro-active. You may not always be able to be proactive. Sometimes, we get off track or obstacles overtake us. But, if you remain in contact with wanting to live by your value - the intention to live by it - you can reconnect with this value and recommit to it. Of course, obstacles may appear. There may be external barriers in the environment that get in the way of living by these values or you may perceive internal obstacles to living by values such as getting blocked by the anxiety and worry that come with strong security motivations. You might begin to feel like it’s not worth it. You might even say, “Do I really need to live by this value anyway?” Maybe you will move onto another value that feels less threatening or stop thinking about how you want to live your values and just focus on not feeling so anxious and depressed. But, being pro-active involves moving towards the life that matters most to you. This essentially means moving toward a life that is defined by who you want to be rather than how you need to protect yourself. To accomplish this, at times, you may need to “bring along your struggles” as you engage pro-actions. Remember, that the skills you carry in your ERT Toolbox are available to help you fully engage your experiences and manage your reactions to them.

Pro-active homework

Two types of proactive homework exercise forms will be used: See Yourself Acting and the Catch Yourself Reacting IV. The first form involves committing to and taking pro- actions. Here you fill out the left column before taking the pro-action. When you have (or have not) taken the action, you fill out the right column and make note of anything you may have learned from your experience. The second form involves letting your desired motivation levels be informed by your values and take actions according to these levels.